Hairy Ticks of Dune

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Predictions for The Throne of Dune

“‘Heroes’ isn’t really a series.”

Well, it's official now. The Heroes tetralogy has been temporarily set aside, only halfway finished. Here’s the spin from Kevin J. Anderson (TheKJA) on Twitter:

"Heroes" isn't really a series. 2 more inquels planned, but they're individual novels. We wanted to go back to B-Jihad time period

With the existing commitment to the “original” Hellhole books and now this new “Great Schools” trilogy(?), plus the fact that Brian Herbert is no spring chicken, it seems highly unlikely that this particular McDune book (or its sequel) will ever see print.

Unless of course Anderson someday “discovers” a hoard of notes from one of their brainstorming sessions.

“Irulan to the Throne of Dune!”

OK. This piece of shit won't be out until late summer or early fall of 2011*, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try and second-guess Ole “Spanky McDune” & friend based on the crap they’ve already squatted out. And what’s great about still having a whole year to do it in is, the more ideas we put out there, and the sooner, the less likely they may be to go ahead and use them — if that’s what they already had in mind — for fear we’ll claim they stole the idea from us!*

So put on your thinking caps and send in your ideas. There’s more than one way to make our displeasure known! Tahya al-Jihad al-Harbartiyya al-Urthudhuksiyya!

Used without permission.

Based on what has come before in the original books* and the first two “Heroes” books, I see three — possibly four — historical periods that this book could be divided up over:

  1. The three pre-Dune years remaining before the Atreides move to Arrakis;
  2. Any of the twelve years of the Fremen Jihad between Dune & Messiah that have yet to be filled in;
  3. The nine-years-minus-two-months of the period between Messiah & Children; and
  4. (Probably unlikely) Some part of the beginning of Leto’s reign after the end of Children.

Predictions about the content of the book will be divided among these four periods.

Part 1 - Pre-Dune

  • Young Paul goes galavanting off around the galaxy again, on a three-year study tour! He explores strange new worlds, seeks out new life and new civilizations! He boldly goes where no Atreides scion has ever gone before!
  • One of the places he visits is Kaitain (he was born there after all!), where he saves Irulan’s life in some plodding Imperial machination arc which results in Shaddam rewarding him by getting them engaged! Yes, Paul and Irulan, for a time, are to be married — allowing the Hacks to piss all over Frank’s storyline to unprecedented levels — childhood sweethearts! (Sev) Paul, of course, is hesitant and has “vague” foreshadowings of the future, allowing a recap of most of the Paul/Fremen plot of Dune with sleazy details. Irulan is an infatuated schoolgirl, while great emphasis is put on her Bene Gesserit training. (Lundse)
  • Someone close to Paul — Bronso? — is kidnapped, and Paul needs to find some bauble or ancient relic to exchange for their freedom. I’m thinking ... a crysknife from Arrakis! That’s right, not only has Paul been off-planet before Dune, he’s been to Dune!
        He sneaks aboard a highliner like he always does. On Dune, he frees some captive Fremen from the Harkonnens (after the obligatory sexually-suggestive torture scenes), and they escape into the desert. He is taken to a sietch where he learns some of the Fremen ways, such as how to wear a stillsuit slip-fashion. This explains why he was so familiar with Fremen customs in Dune.
        He does some heroic deed and is given a crysknife, then he flies home, and kills or captures the kidnappers during the exchange. If captured, Paul is forced to kill them anyway because they try to escape or, in a fascinating and thrilling plot twist, they try to kill him.
        Bronso is freed and Paul swears him to secrecy, as usual. (Hunchback Jack)*
  • Let’s look at it this way: in Paul of Dune he learned to be a warrior, in Winds, he learned to use his charisma to be a leader. What’s left? In Throne, Paul will Love! He’ll get sent to a school for gifted and talented students that tours the galaxy. Here he’ll meet young Irulan (going by her middle name $a1sha) as well as his life long friend Ron Weasley. He’ll have his first encounter with an old friend now bully named Bronso*. (Ampoliros)
  • After he returns to Caladan, Paul falls in love with a beautiful princess-shaman of the Caladanian Primitives and (finally!) learns from her of the mysteries of SEX!!! I mean, love.* He later discovers that it was all arranged by Duncan at Hawat’s bidding.*
  • We learn all about Jacurutu/FONDAK during a flashback sequence to before the Atreides leave for Arrakis and that Paul hears everything told about the Iduali. (Tleszer)
  • Paul will have a prescient dream in which he gets tennis elbow, and Jessica tells him to stop monkeying about. (Tleszer)

Part 1.5 - Intra-Dune Abominations!

  • These guys will never stop urinating on Gurney’s character. If they do the unthinkable and try to write within DUNE, a lot of it will be Gurney’s rise amongst the smugglers, during which he will kill a lot of people under circumstances that make him seem bloodthirsty, petty, and make us wonder why Duke Leto ever would’ve trusted him as a leader of men. They did it in Paul of Dune, and they’ll do it in Throne of Dune and in The Amazing Worm Man’s Golden Path of Dune. ... The Chronicles of Halleck It would also feature lots of scenes of Muad’Dib killing people as he gets into the position to take on the Emperor. They like to fill in the gaps between the psychologically-interesting events with wordcount.* (merkin muffley)

Part 2 - Fremen Jihad Period (Inter-Dune/Messiah)

Part 3 - Regency Period (Inter-Messiah/Children)

This is the period during which, presumably, most of the action in this suckfest will take place.

  • Vorian Atreides is alive and is on his way to Arrakis to tell Paul that his children are in trouble and that where they’re going, they have no need of roads. Before they take off, The Normacle appears, and blows up Vorian. Leto II’s “Stolen Journals” are actually pages from Vorian Atreides’ diary chronicling the investigation of the death of Padishah Emperor Elrood “Funny Man” Corrino IX. These diary pages will threaten the newly restructured empire formed by Leto II. (Tleszer)
  • Shaddam makes a bid for the imperial throne using his Star Wars ghola army.* Irulan is once more torn between her loyalty to her father and her old family and that for her new one, the Atreides.
  • There is a plot to kill Irulan, maybe involving Alia or Stilgar, and Irulan proves herself to be a Corrino with a heart of gold. (merkin muffley)*
  • Shaddam presents young Leto with a Ghola named Fythr Lyov that happens to look a lot like Paul with metal eyes. IS IT RYLLY PAYL? IS IT JYST A GYFT OR A VYCYOS PLYT TO DYSTABLYZ THE THRYNE!?!?!?! (Ampoliros)
  • The Paul Atreides ghola has sex with Irulan, and she finally finds out what it’s like. Maybe Irulan will give Stilgar a blow job. (merkin muffley)
  • There is a love story between a maudlin Gurney Halleck and a menopausal Jessica. It is unbelievably boring. They have sex a few times, and then Jessica decides it’s wrong. Gurney turns to a different woman when Jessica rejects him, but he finds out she is Harkonnen and kills her. Jessica thinks the Harkonnen thing is ironic, and then she kills someone. In most situations, the characters in this new Dune novel respond to a dilemma by killing someone. (merkin muffley)
  • The real Paul is found in the desert by nasty Iduali water-thieves. They take him back to Jacurutu when they realize who he is. His development into The Preacher is chronicled... (SC)   Paul in Jacurutu being fucked and sucked by Harkonen slave-whores and tripping out on all the spice and drugs the Iduali feed him. (SandRider)
  • Ghanima wins a spelling bee. (merkin muffley) Irulan will drink Alia's milkshake. (Tleszer)
  • There are several main characters not in Children of Dune, and they all die. Their names will be really cheesy, like Jar-Jar Corrino and Satan Gingko, or Beezlebub Banjoe. (merkin muffley) Look for a stupid, vengeful, hateful, jealous character that looks like Chigger (SandRider)
  • Duncan once again gets a glimpse of the web/net and it is heavily implied that Erasmus the Tranny thinks that Duncan’s ass isn’t nearly as perfect Gilbertus Albans’ (Tleszer).
  • It is revealed that Irulan is in fact an incarnation of the god empress of all universes and dimensions, Norma Cenva. Thus, her writings could not be any more authoritative. (Purge)

Part 4 - Post-Children/Pre-God Emperor)

  • Leto watches Ghanima & Farad’n making love from within her boudoir.*